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August
Israel Goes On Strike
On the American celebration of Labor Day, the Jews have had enough of their modern King Ahab and have proclaimed that they ain't gonna work no mo', no mo', they ain't gonna work no mo'.
That is, until Nutty Yahoo resigns or Sin War releases all of the hostages.
Israel has had enough of their insane Prime cut of Minister.
09/02/2024
Update:
Israel's Supreme Courtly deemed the strike political and therefore illegal, obviously outlawing labor strikes, because all labor relations are political. Except of course in Grate Britbain, where there is no labor. The closest they have is a "labour," which allegedly has party girls, mixed drinks, and weed, since it's a party.
The strike was then called off. The throngs of protesting people are still protesting vainly.
09/03/2024
King Donald the Clueless claims he has the right to commit felonies
The king said, and this is a direct quote, "I had every right" to interfere with the 2020 election despite the fact that his election interference has resulted in two Grand Juries indicting him for election fraud.
Apparently, the king believes that rigged elections are normal and proper.
09/03/2024
Mongrelia Prime Monsterer refuses to arrest wanted war criminal Vladimir Putitin
The Whirled court, which is composed of a lot of countries, like the ones in the Europeein' Union, the Amhairican countries like Can'tdada, Mixamigo, the United Sluts of Unmoralca... Basically everybody but Rustya, Chinup, Nerd Kornia, Iranaway, nice people like that, has collectively demanded that Count Vlad be arrested for war crimes and terrorism, as well as misdemeanor not being nice.
Despite Mongrelia voting in the Whirled Court to have the vampire arrested and cited on site if he's sighted, Count Vlad made a regal state visit to Mongrelia and wasn't arrested. Not even for all the cocaine.
The fact that it's sandwitched between RushYa and Chinup and owes most of its economy to Rustyia, who could do to Mongrelia what they did to UkeRain has absolutely nothing to do with his failure to arrest King Donald's good buddy.
The prime Monsterer's name is unpronounceable. It's spelled "Лувсаннамсрайн Оюун-Эрдэнэ", roughly translated to the English phrase "so long and thanks for all the fish", although some linguists say that's unmitigated nonsense.
09/04/2024
Update:
That's not how his name is actually spelled, it's what it looks like in HTML after you copy it from Wiky Petia. It's still unpronounceable, but so is, uh, that big word I can't spell.
In other nooze, there was yet another school shooting that nobody in power ever does anything about, apparently not giving a shit, let alone a flying fuck.
09/05/2024
Blinkin' visits Hades
Uh... what's his title again? Anyway, some guy named Aunt Blinkin' visited Hatey, or Hateme, or Hades, or somthing, I think it's by Jamapaca.
Presumably, President Brandon sent him. Only God knows why.
09/06/2024
Father of school shooter arrested for murder and stupidity
The kid who killed four people and injured a bunch more may be joined in prison by his old man.
The idiot bought the fourteen year old the assault rifle he committed the murders with for Christmas (the heathen monsteream media call a Christmas present a "holiday gift") last year, after he had bragged to almost everybody that he wanted to shoot up a school.
King Donald the Wrathful's pick for Vice Presidunce, Jadey Vance, remarked about the murders, saying something to the effect of "School shootings are normal. Get used to it." He then said that the Demoncrats want to take everyone's guns away, despite the fact that the Dumbocrats' nominees for president and vice president both own guns, and very obviously as ignorant of the Constitution as his puppetmaster.
09/06/2024
Correction
We have been informed that Mr. Blinkin's first name isn't, "Aunt," it's "Ant." We're not sure what that's short for.
We apologize for the fuckup.
We have no idea how some other web site hacked us. Roger is looking into it.
Oh, and in other nooze that affects nobody but his immediate family, the presidunce's son pleaded guilty to tax fraud that he repaid years ago, and nobody has ever gone to jail for doing the same thing.
09/07/2024
Present dental De-Bait tomorrow night
The Present Dental de-bait will be held tomorrow night at nine. We're not sure of what time zone.
We also don't know what kind of bait is being used, and what it is we hope to catch. It has been suggested that it's a trap to imprison King Donald the Dim. We shall see.
09/09/2024
Darth Vader murdered, police have no clues
Darth Vader, 93, was found dead yesterday. His family witnessed the murder.
The suspect was heard to say right before the murder "May the farse bewitch you."
Police are searching for a person of interest named "Grim Reaper". If you see this man, call crimestoppers at 867-5309 and ask for Jenny.
09/10/2024
Immigrant invasion of theft, rape, murder, and eating Americans' pets strike the heart of America
This is, of course, part of the demented King Donald the Insane's pitch to become the next president of the United States. Again. After we fired him for being, as historians tell us, the second worst president in American history.
The rapes, murder, thefts, pet eating, and zombified criminal behavior of all foreigners is real.
It's a real manifestation of The Donald's diseased racist brain. Immigrants are convicted of crimes sixty percent less frequently than American citizens.
The Donald pled guilty in a 2016 civil fraud case and judged guilty of fraud again in a 2023 civil case.
If you plan to vote for King Donald the Dictator, beware of those selling bridges in New York. They will be outside the polling places selling barbecued dog and cat meat, as well as bridges.
09/11/2024
Nutty Yahoo's mass murder of 18 civilians in a school includes 6 UN workers. The UN is pissed.
Nutty Yahoo's bloodthirsty monsters murdered eighteen civilians in a school that housed Gazan refugees by dropping a "BFB" from an airplane. When asked why they would drop Barney Fife's brother out of an airplane, they replied that BFB stood for "Big Fucking Bomb."
UN Suckretary General Ant Gut Earrres condemned the horrific murder, saying "What's happening in Gaza is totally unacceptable. These dramatic violations of international humanitarian law need to stop now. Excuse me, but where's the rest room?"
The Israeli UN diplomat countered "It is unconscionable that the UN continues to condemn Israel in its genocide of palestineans, while Ham Ass continues to steal and eat American dogs and cats."
Nutty Yahoo was not heard to respond to the UN with "Fuck off, asshole," although that's obviously what the bloodstained terrorist was thinking.
The death count in the genocide is now over 40,000. A few of them are thought to possibly be Ham Ass terrorists.
09/12/2024
King Donald the Cowardly declines to have Dirty Harry hand him his ass on a silver platter again
After being beaten badly and completely humiliated by a female, the elderly king has decided that he's just not man enough to face her again. He should have debated in Illinois, where assaulting a geezer is a felony.
He also added geese to his list of animals that are being eaten by legal immigrants in Springfield. Bart Simpson was heard to say "Don't have a cow, man."
09/13/2024
King Donald the Lyin'hearted doggedly doubles down on hating hungry Hatians
Despite the Springfield mayor, chief of police, and city manager all telling King Pinnochio the Slow that the immigrants from Hades are not stealing and eating pets, the king doubled down, saying that he was going to deport the Haitians in Springfield back to Hades if he's elected presidancer again. "Your pets will again be safe."
However, the Hades refugees in Springfield are not here illegally, they have been given green cards.
Apparently, King Donald is so stupid that even after being president for four years, he still doesn't understand that the president is not a king and doesn't have the authority to deport an alien with a green card without cause. Even if he's The Donald.
09/14/2024
Prince Vance the Jaded continues to insist pets being eaten in Springfield
On Face the Nation today, ol' Jadey insisted that those brown and black furriners was eatin' yer pets, doggedly repeating this racist lie.
It seems everyone who isn't a White Supremacist has left or been thrown out the Re pub lickin' party. The new RepubLickin's is Whites Only. Those with brown eyes are suspect.
09/15/2024
Another dipshit tries to blow King Dullnold's useless head off
Someone looking like a banker wearing face paint was arrested for the attempted murder of King Donald the Target, at one of his golf courses.
A Secret Service agent scouting the next hole after the one The Donald was playing (Secret Service agent is a dangerous job. FORE!) spotted the barrel of an AK-47 or something that looked like one and almost emptied his service revolver shooting at the gun.
The suspect, Ryan Routh, suspected of insanity, ran, leaving behind an AK-47 (or something that looked like one, journalists can't tell an AK-47 from a Colt .45, let alone an M16 or an AR-15) and two backpacks full of... ceramic tiles? Is that right?
Somebody took a picture of his fleeing car and he was arrested. An old photo of him is shown to the right.
The first attempted assassin, assassinated by an alliterative Secret Service sniper, apparently only sought to hit the history books. This guy is a friend of Uke Rain, the country Trump's good buddy Vlad Putitin has attacked. The idiot probably thinks he's a patriot.
09/16/2024
Nooze reporter Clara Gumghost arrested
Reporter Clara Gumghost, 23, was arrested earlier today for incredibly poor writing in Another dipshit tries to blow King Dullnold's useless head off. A judge was with the arresting officer, and sentenced Ms. Gumghost to two semesters of journalism class.
The big boss was angry with the judge, and is expected to be released by next week, or whenever the judge is in a better mood.
09/16/2024
Yesterday was lit by gaslight
Somebody in Texas drove through a fence and hit a big natural gas pipeline, which lit and burned. Flames were visible for miles, nearby homes evacuated.
Meanwhile, King Donald the Foolish and Prince Jadey the Unbelievable are doing their own gaslighting, as they always do, blaming "Democratic retoric" on the attempted assassinations. Prince Valium the Jaded pointed out that nobody is trying to murder Camera Harris.
Of course, Harris the Federal Prosecuter never urged her followers to attack the capitol of the united states or accuse legal residents of a small town in Ohio of stealing, killing, and eating people's pets.
Those baseless accusations closed schools and hospitals because of dozens of bomb threats the Retardlicans' lies caused.
One might wonder what kind of mental disability those two share. Remember "Crooked Hillary", accused by the now thirty four time felon? The gaslighting continues.
09/17/2024
007 Lives!
Yesterday in Libbernone thousands of pagers exploded, killing a dozen people and wounding thousands.
No, pagers aren't supposed to explode. If you're not real old, a pager was something doctors used to alert them they needed to call the office. Hisboiler terrorists used them because Nutty Yahoo can track cell phones.
Nobody knows how explosives got inside thousands of pagers. Are there really thousands of terrorists?
Today, it was walkie-talkies that were blowing up. One wonders what will blow up tomorrow.
09/18/2024
Eyerainians sent hacked Repopublican emails to Bite'm campaign early this summer
As was mentioned here early last month, the king's and his staff's emails were hacked earlier this summer, causing our IT guy Roger to have a heart attack.
The FBI has announced that the stolen emails were sent by the Eyerainians to the Bite'm staff, who thought they were spam and deleted them.
09/19/2024
Update:
We now know what asploded yesterday: King Pinnochio and his gaudy sidekick Jadey's heads. Both of thrm accused "Brandon's Federal Investigation Bureau" of giving the hacked emails to the Bite'm people, when it was the Eyerainians who sent them, and the Damnocrats say they didn't know they had them. The FIB merely informed the democranks that the Rethuglican IT people were incompetent enough to have their servers compromised by the Eyerainians.
Of course, most of the normal stuff that normally explodes exploded as well.
09/20/2024
Our apologies
Our servers have been down bacause Roger had another heart attack and has been in the hospital.
He's still there, but told our new receptionist, Donna, from his hospital bed, to unplug the server, walk to the breakroom and back, and plug it back in.
It turned out that the server was already unplugged, apparently someone tripped over the cord.
09/25/2024
Ladies, King Donald the Truthful will save you from your misery
The king has been on Tooth Social, Trump's Nazi messageboard with a few dozen readers (mostly monsterstream media goons), screaming at women in all caps. I guess rich mothers don't teach their filthy brats that YELLING is bad manners, but we all know how boorish the ancient king is. He wrote:
"WOMEN ARE POORER THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, ARE LESS HEALTHY THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, ARE LESS SAFE ON THE STREETS THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, ARE MORE DEPRESSED AND UNHAPPY THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND ARE LESS OPTIMISTIC AND CONFIDENT IN THE FUTURE THAN THEY WERE FOUR YEARS AGO! I WILL FIX ALL OF THAT, AND FAST, AND AT LONG LAST THIS NATIONAL NIGHTMARE WILL BE OVER."
On Saturday he screamed "WOMEN WILL BE HAPPY, HEALTHY, CONFIDENT AND FREE! YOU WILL NO LONGER BE THINKING ABOUT ABORTION, BECAUSE IT IS NOW WHERE IT ALWAYS HAD TO BE, WITH THE STATES."
Even the monsterstream media are calling it "creepy". But then, the king is, in fact, a creep.
09/25/2024
Repopublicans fail to shut down the US government
Despite all of their whining and dirty tricks, despite all their hard work aiming to "shut that God damned mess down," a bill was passed in the hose and sin-ate and signed by President Brandon that keeps the government open another three months.
Better luck next time, fellows.
09/26/2024
You Nark Mayor Erkle Adambomb indicted this morning on five counts of serious shennanigans
This morning, You Nark Mayor Erkle Adambomb was indicted on five counts of serious shennanigans, including taking bribes from some Turkey.
Yet another crooked Dumbocrat who is innocent until proven evil in a court of la la.
09/26/2024
King Pinnochio the Lion accuses Prosecutor Harmhim of falsehoods
The king yesterday accused the President of Vice of fibbing, echoing his birther statements about former President O'Bama, saying that she never worked at McDonalds.
King Dumbold, of course, never worked for anyone but himself in any of his almost nine decades of uselessness.
He asks why if Harmhim was going to fix the border that he prevented from being fixed when he vetoed the bipartisan border bill (without even being in office), then why didn't she do it three years ago?
She wasn't in charge three years ago! Of course, having never been an assistant, in fact never having to take orders from anyone in his life (until he met the judge) he is completely ignorant of what it's like to be a normal human being instead of a fire-breathing, gold-whoreding dragon born into great wealth.
09/27/2024
The gaslighting continues
King Dumb old the fool, who has such limited intelligence that he thinks an assistant can override the person they're assisting, is saying that the vice president is "mentally disabled."
That's like Forrest Gump calling Steven Hawking "stupid" and is so idiotic that even some rethuglicans are shaking their heads at it.
09/30/2024
October
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