March

February
 
King Donald gets a reprieve
Donald Tramp, who recently beat out the Kountry Krypto Kid as king of the Fraudsters after being crowned to the tune of almost half a BILLION dollars (after interest payments) was granted a reprieve in his treason case for the attempted coup of 2001 and an audience with the Supreme Court Ruling Only Towards Unanimous Magnificence (SCROTUM).
The SCROTUM will rule on whether or not King Donald of Makebelieve is above the law, as the king has believed all his life.
03/01/2024
 
Texas is on fire
The biggest wildfire in Texas' recorded history is burning, having already destroyed over four hundred buildings, burning far more land than the great Chicago fire in 1904.
Meanwhile, after almost no precititation in over a decade, with the expected water restrictions, the southern part of California is under water and its mountains are crumbling.
But don't worry, climate change is a hoax, as are electric cars. King Donald said so!
03/02/2024
 
Nothing happened
Well, the genocide continues in Gaza, the war continues without our help in Ukraine, Bit'em and Tramp are in Texas eating tacos while the House refuses to pass the most conservative border bill in history, Texas is still on fire, California is still underwater...
Oh, I almost forgot, Interstate eighty at Donner Pass got twelve feet of snow and there was no canibalism. Maybe that should have been the headline?
03/03/2024
 
HR fired the monkeys
They quickly found that feeding an infinite number of monkeys was a lot more expensive than a human writer's salary. Management is worried about the tax on the money they earn from the sale of an infinite number of monkeys, but our accountant, Allen Weisselberg, says not to worry.
What was worse than the cost, HR said, was that what they produced made no sense:
Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour
Draws on apace. Four hippy days bring in
Another moon. But, O, methinks how slow
This old moon wanes! She lingers my desires
Like to a stepdame or a dowager
Long withering out a young man's bananna
This, they said, was the biggest reason for firing them. Not only was it not nooze, but the grammar and spelling were attrocious.
03/04/2024
 
King Donald gets a reprive
SCROTUM (the Supreme Court Ruling Only Towards Unanimous Malfeasance) ruled today that the fourteenth amendment is too woke and doesn't apply because Con Grass never passed a law, despite many being denied office under the fourteenth amendment after the civil war.
"This is proof that I'm innocent of all wrongdoing from my birth until the end of time!" King Tromp drooled.
03/04/2024
 
Our apologies
Our army of editors failed to notice a misspelling that our accountant, Alan Weaselblog angrily pointed out in the item earlier today about HR's monkey business that misspelled his name.
Mr. Weaselblog was somewhat mollified when informed that the monkey responsible for the misspelling was fired. Mr. Weaselblog intends to sue the monkey for slander.
03/04/2024
 
Donald Tramp wins super Tuesday RePUB lickin' primary
It's never good nooze when that space alien drops by. He did so this morning. "Just dropped by to tell you that you can scoop the outher outlets with news that Trump wins."
The boss was suspicious, as usual. "I thought you weren't allowed to tell the future?"
The alien shrugged. "Everybody knows he's going to win, anyway. Oh, Facebook is going to go down this morning. 'Bye."
He vanished without, as usual, movie-like special effects.
03/05/2024
 
We scooped everybody!
Thanks to our buddy from ten million or something years in the future, Rority, we were able to report the findings yesterday morning before Fakebook went down.
The FBI dropped by like they always do, looking for Roger in relation to the Farcebook outage. We were unable to help, we haven't seen him since the phones went down. We thought he was in jail.
03/06/2024
 
Arson at a German Nazimobile factory?
A fire broke out in a substation or something at Eloi Musk's German Nazimobile fcctory, having to do with powering said factory. This comes dangerously close to irony, or at least a bad pun.
Tesla blames an environmentalist group (really, guys, you can't make this shit up. Well, maybe with the right drugs but this actually happened). Eloi wants to cut down a forest next to his factory and the environmentalists don't want him to.
The factory is shut down until power can be restored.
The emvironmentalists have denied responsibility. They look kind of irresspomsible. Meanwhile, traditional automakers, auto mechanics, auto parts stores, and a few other industries that the electric vehicle will destroy were not suspected of the vandalism or sabotage or whatever it was.
03/06/2024
 
Johnson wept
President Bitin' Tore into King Donald and the Repo blinkin' party last night and completely evicerated them.
You could read Johnson's mind by his facial expressions. There was a man who saw his career in tatters.
Better than seeing the nation in tatters, the poor, foolish puppet.
03/08/2024
 
He's baaaaaaack!
George Santos, the only person in the world so dishones he makes King Donald look like truth itself, was at the State of the Union Address last week, despite having been thrown out of Congress, only the fourth congress member in history to be expelled. It seems that there is no clause in the house rules preventing an expelled congress critter from attending. Presumably someone in Congress invited him.
There was quite a bit of controversy over his attendance, and they decided to add a Santos Clause, named the "Getting Expelled Officially Revokes Guaranteed Entry," or GEORGE rule. It was proposed by Richie Toes, a Damnocrat from You Nark State and revokes House floor privileges for members who have been kicked out.
Santos says he intends to run for congress again, so it's guaranteed that he won't.
03/11/2024
 
Ben Hur faces congress
One of the dimwitted Just Is department's shysters turned DA was hauled before congress to be asked what the hell did he think he was doing?
The answer, of course, was that he wanted to please everybody and wound up pissing everybody off. I'm pretty sure it will be a long time before any promotions come his way.
Meanwhile, of all of the Reprehublicans screaming for the inquiry over Old Joe's documents, none are screaming about the Mike Pance documents.
03/12/2024
 
GUILTY!
"That was an excellent article yesterday, Jerry," the big boss said. "You deserve a raise!"
Jerry looked astonished; the cheapassed boss only gives raises at gunpoint.
"Really?" Jerry asked. "No shit?" Just then the damned space alien from the future appeared. It's quite disconcerting, he's not there and then he is. A physicist once said the there should be a wind, from displacement. He said something about tachyons, and when I told the alien, he laughed.
Anyway, this morning when he popped into view soundlessly and windlessly, he said "Sorry, Jerry, but there was no story yesterday."
"But..."
"It was an emergency. So I had to make it not happen, and much of what happened that didn't happen affected this, the real reality."
The boss chimed in, with an evil grin on his face. "Jerry can rewrite it, can't you, Jerry?"
"Of course!"
The alien sighed. "Protohumans! Sheesh! How can you write what you can't remember? And even if you could remember it, it never happened." The boss got a weird look on his face.
"I know I just read it, but..."
"It's okay, I have a scoop for you. That teenaged kid that killed those other kids in his school? What's his name, Crumbley? Yeah, the kid's dad's name is Jimmy Crumbley. Anyway..."
"Bullshit!" the boss thundered. "That's a godamn cartoon name!"
The alien laughed. "Look in your own paper. Look in the New York Times, you have all been covering Crumbley's trial. Anyway, that idiot will be found guilty of all charges tomorrow. I just gave you a scoop."
The boss said something fucking unprintable. "You asshole! That was yesterday!"
The alien looked at his chronometer. "Oh shit," and vanished.
The boss looked pensive. "Maybe we can salvage this, I could have sworn Jerry wrote about it yesterday. Look, here's the angle. The guy bought a gun for his kid and said he had it hidden, and now he's guilty of... how many counts? Anyway, now, if you own a firearm and someone commits a murder with it, you can be found guilty of manslaughter! Jerry, I want you to get on this right away."
Bertha said "Jerry? Who's Jerry?" The boss looked confused.
"Uh, Bertha, I know you're really an editor, but can you cook somethig up for today's nooze?"
03/15/2024
 
The kingdom has broken, as the king is broke
About King Donald of Fantasyland, the self-proclaimed billionaire Donald Trump's lawyers told the judge "he ain't got no money, Judge!"
He couldn't get financing for that half a billion loan for bail on his fraud charge. So he says.
So of course last night he said that if he lost the electron, there would be a bloodbath. Blood is filled with electrons. The bloodbath would be in the American auto industries because the king says Americans make shitty cars that can't compete.
President Brandon begs to differ. He and the AFL-CIO, Teamsters, UAW, and every other organization of American workers who can't figure out how a billionaire can become impoverished while owning half of New York state..
03/18/2024
 
Deadlines
The incompetent lagis laters in the House of Represensibles have until tomorrow to come up with a budget. Word is that the so-called "conservatives" who want America to become a dictatorship say that the deficit is too big. After ballooning it by a full third when they were in power, to give huge tax breaks (breaking the brakes) to people who already have too much money, they want the elderly retired workers to pay for it with cuts to the Social Security they have been paying into for most of their lives. The billionaires say "we stole their labor since Reagan and now we don't get jack shit from those old bastards!"
Word is the Sin ate might get it by Monday. If America is lucky. Meanwhile, still no help for Ukraiune, of course, King Donald is best buddies with Vlad. He wants to give Ukraine to his lover on their planned wedding next January 20.
Meanwhile, the king has until Monday to come up with half a billion dollars or they start siezing his property.
The king's rich American friends who own all of the media have of course done their best to keep you clueless about what he did that was fraudulent. It's simple. You buy a house sized 40,000 feet, getting the mortgage at incredibly low interest despite being broke by lyinjg about how rich you are. Then when the taxes are due, somehow it's only 20,000 feet. When it's time to refinance, it's 70,000 feet.
King Donald is a liar and a thief, plain and simple.
03/21/2024
 
Friday Bloody Friday
Russia got a taste of ISIS terrorism yesterday when gunmen stormed a rock concert, shot and killed dozens of people, and burned the concert hall to the ground. ISIS Claimed responsibility, sticking out its tongue and saying "Nan na na na na LUUUZARZ!"
Russia, of course blamed Ukraine. The Russians claimed that when they caught the Muslim terrorists, they were heading to the mostly Christian and Jewish Ukraine, obviously being disoriented, thinking they were going west when they were really heading towards Afghanistan.
No one was fooled. Russia doesn't care.
King Donald sent his sympathies to his best buddy, Czar Putitin.
03/21/2024
 
Yet another reprieve...
A judge said that King Donald can put up a hundred seventy five million Quatloos (1/100th of a Ningi). However, if he's found evilly guilty of the dastardly deed he has done, he'll still owe the half a billion green samoleons.
The alien told us this would happen, but why bother? It's not like anybody's surprised.
Now, that bridge in Baltimore, yeah, but if we told you what would have happened had the bridge not gone down...
03/26/2024
 
Fraudster sentenced to 25 years
No, not King Donald, who keeps avoiding the inevitable. Bank man Sam, who bedazzled his fools with magic money (David Copperfirld magic, not Merlin) with Bitchcoin, the so-called "investment" that is backed by nothing but wishes and dreams. The bald faced boy will spend twenty five years locked up for impoverishing rich people.
The last famous fraudster to go to prison was Bernie Madhoff, who was sentenced to six times as long as Sam. He died in 2021, his putrid corpse will be freed in 2187. Bankman will be an old man when he totters out.
03/28/2024
 
California raises mimumum wage
California's minimum wage goes up to $20 tomorrow, which may sound pretty good if you live in Sweet Home Alabama, where you earn the federal minimum of $7.25.
The media shows restaraunt owners whining that they would have to raise prices, suggesting that minimum wage increases cause inflation, when history has shown that since 1776 when America was born, no minimum wage increase (Georgia and Wyoming's cheap bastards don't even have a minimum wage, relying on the Feds to enforce their own minimum) has EVER caused inflation or recession.
Inflation is caused by the very rich, who raise prices whenever they have an excuse. Russia not allowed to export oil? "Let's steal some working class money, boys, now's our chance!"
Recession is caused by a disparity of wealth. If a recession doesn't happen and the gap gets larger, there's a depression, and the rich have been stealing our labor for over half a centurty. In 1965 an hour's federal minimum wage bought fifteen McDonald's hamburgers. Those fifteen burgers now cost $24.90, which is what the Georgian fry cook should be earning.
This increase won't help the homeless full-time workers in Las Angeles. They're screwed.
03/30/2024
 
April